the average goddess,

the compulsive shopaholic,

the absentminded ditz,

and just a little insane.

swimmer; drama mama; councillor;

# resolutions;
1. participate more actively in CYF/Mustard Seed.
2. participate more in CCAs.
3. be a better older sister.
4. be a better daughter for once.
5. get good grades and maintain them.
6. listen, not talk. (this applies to class too!)
7. have a journal/diary.
8. be a friend to everyone.
9. remember important dates.
10. stay happy, even when the tears fall. :)

# linkage;
temporary insanity;


carol n.

[Chinese New Year]
[Thanksgiving Mass]
[The Rockafellaskank]
[CYF Camp]
[T8 Orientation]
[31st March]
[Elects Camp]
[Discover! Camp]

blogger;cursor;angelfire; photobucket;music;

July 2003; August 2003; September 2003; October 2003; November 2003; December 2003; January 2004; February 2004; March 2004; April 2004; May 2004; June 2004; July 2004; August 2004; October 2004; November 2004; December 2004; January 2005; February 2005; March 2005; May 2005; June 2005;


Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Rockafellaskank/CYF Camp.

The rockafellaskank was great. I went with the T-Fivers, (Kang, Harrold, Ning, Mag, Boon Wee, Andre, Pervinder, Kalpana, Cheng Hong) and Shawn went too. :) I thought The Redeemed (Io, Johanna, Wyna, Angie and their friend) and Xiaoan's bands were superb and so were most of the other bands. haha, it's cool to see so much talent. and there was this girl from t4 who sang so beautifully! I think her name's Alyssa or something? She sang alicia key's 'If I Ain't Got You' and Kelly Clarkson's 'Break Away'. Haha, what can i say? She has a gorgeous voice, and she had everyone mesmerized! Haha. But mostly, i admire the way she has the guts to stand up there in front of so many people and just sing her heart out. :)

Anyway! Came home and packed after that, and then it was onto CYF camp the next day! -beams- Let's see. i was with Kelvin, Jobeth, Kevin, and Janis (or better known as Ananda). Haha, a pretty small group by anyone's standards. We were at St Patrick's School and the state of the dorms and the toilets is better left undescribed, save for one word: YUCKY! Haha. Anyway, we had our Angel-Mortal selections (I got Beth as my mortal! But of course, she found out quite quickly. Given away by smileys -- how infuriating!) and of course, there was Talentime! Kelvin was superb, he had everyone in stitches! Haha, and of course there was Heng. I don't even have to say anything about him! Haha! Everyone's performances were funkydoodles. :)

The next day, Val asked me to read the First Reading for mass, and it was awesomest. Kevin, Joachim and I were sitting so near the altar and it was just so ohmygoodness. Haha! and we got to eat Communion twice too! With wine!! Haha, I'm running out of words now, so I'll just say that it was definitely an experience to remember. Oh, and on Sunday there was Mass Dance! It was Bhangra! Haha, so CJC and I bet it was Angie and Joa who incorporated all those slick Bhangra moves! Haha, loads of fun and it was great that everyone grasped it damn fast. Haha, and a great thing that I knew some of the steps beforehand or it would have been to embarrassing for me! Lols. :)

The Passover Feast was definitely memorable. I've never eaten Matzo before (unleavened bread, ie bread made without yeast) and actually, it tasted pretty good! :) It was a really cool experience. :) After that was The Washing of Feet. I was so nervous! Haha, 'cause I didn't know what to expect. But it was a really enriching experience, and it started with Ollie and Beth, 'cause they were the leaders who washed my feet. And you know, they don't just wash and dry your feet, they kiss them too. Maybe some of you think that's gross, but the gesture itself has shows so much love and service... I don't think anyone could be left dry-eyed.

I remember, after Ollie and Beth washed my feet (and I was already tearing, 'cause all the stuff they said was just so overwhelming. I mean, to have two friends that I'm not even close to say things like they did was just an amazing feeling.) I went to my place in front and sat down a while, singing the songs that the leaders were flashing on the transparencies. Then, they started singing one particular hymn. You know, the hymn that we usually sing during Good Friday, the one which has a verse that goes like this: "Father, I have turned my back and walked away. Depended on myself, and lived life my own way... I forgive you, I love you. You are mine, take my hand, go in peace, sin no more, Beloved One."

That pretty much did it for me, I just started bawling my eyes out. At this point, I have to admit that I've been struggling with this for awhile: I was beginning to question my faith and whether or not everything was even real. I was asking myself, why do you believe? It could be a bunch of fables and made-up stories and when you die and realise that there is no God, how much greater would the feeling of betrayal feel then... I was seriously questioning everything. I would sit in mass and just feel so isolated. I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs: "You stupid asses! Believing in something that sounds so far-fetched!" at the congregation, the choir and the priest. I shared this with my group members (along with Val, Sam and Joachim) on Saturday, and then to experience mass sitting so near the altar and reading the First Reading... I don't even know how to begin to describe the experience. It was amazing and such a surreal experience, and I remember a feeling of wrongness coming over me when I remembered how I felt before then.

So yeah, I just went to the Prayer Room to cry my eyes out. I remember telling God how sorry I was that I'd doubted Him and that I had just wanted to know He was there. I remember saying that I was so angry with Him for giving me all sorts of shit, but that in the end, I'm sorry for behaving that way. And I could really feel Him then, and that was just so cool, for lack of a better word. Carol came in soon after, and we just cried on each other's shoulders for a long while. She kinda 'affirmed' me there, (if that counted as an affirmation) and I'm glad to say that our friendship is as strong as ever. :) She's still my bitch, and she always will be. Talked to Shawn Teo a bit in there too, 'cause I'd noticed that he was sitting in a corner by himself. Haha, even though I don't remember you from cathecism class, I'm still glad we're friends dude! :)

After that, I went to sit down with Shawn outside and then Kelvin came. Haha, I remember, he squatted next to me and put his hand out. I thought he was just playing! So I put my hand out and then he started pulling me up, so I was quite suprised! Haha. Anyway, he brought me back to the prayer room, and I stood in front of the picture of Jesus while he stood behind me, and said a prayer. His words were so meaningful, and he really hit the nail on the head as far as my feelings at that point went. SO, yes, Vannie started sobbing again. Stupid tear-ducts. Haha! But, Kelvin, if you ever read this, thank you so much for all your help and all your concern during camp. You're a great person and an even greater friend. :)

I washed a lot of people's feet that night, some old friends and some new ones. I think the Washing of Feet is an extremely awesome event. I mean, how often can you express such a sign of love right? Haha. Okay, time for some quick thank-yous! :)

Ollie, thanks for your affirmation so much, and for letting me wash your feet. Haha, maybe it's just me, but I've a feeling that we can become great friends in the future. :) Mat and Val, you guys seriously don't have to apologise, you silly twats. I've never taken it to heart, 'cause as I said, I know that you guys are so sweet and great people inside. :) You two will always be close to my heart, and I will always be here for you guys, yeah? I love you! Shawn Teo: Haha, thanks for everything that night dude. Actually, talking to you put lots of stuff in perspective for me too. So yes, thanks loads! :) Always here for you, yupps. Seb: YOU GREAT BIG BULLY! Haha, but I still dread the day when I'll lose your bullying. You're a great 'older brother' and someone I can turn to regardless of what it is. :) ge&mei forever and ever, Amen! Les: I don't know why you'd want to wash my feet, but it was so much appreciated and it really touched me even though I said I didn't want to have freezing digits. Haha, thanks for talking to me about everything. You're awesomest! Haha. :) Joachim: My favourite Leo! :) I'm so thankful to know you, and even more grateful to have you as a friend. Friends til the end, yeah? And like you said, more to come!
So that pretty much rounded off my night. :) After that, we were all so exhausted and it was time for bed soon after. It was a good thing that breakfast was at 9 the next day! Haha. Yesterday we just kinda rounded up everything. One last session on trusting God (much appreciated by me in fact) and it was spectacular. :) It made me realise that if you only believe, everything can and will be done. :) We finished packing and cleaning up before going back to church for the Angel-Mortal revelations! Turns out, my angel was Sam Koh! :) I figured it was a female leader anyway, 'cause she actually bothered to do stuff, but didn't reply my letter and all. So, thanks Sam! For everthing an angel could do! Haha. :)

Dinner was spent with a whole bunch of people at KFC, but I sat with Carol, Val, Joa and Xavier. Haha, it was a bundle of laughs! Xavier reminds me of about a million people: HENG, Xiaoan, Tim and Dalun all mixed into one. He's one funny guy, and I'm glad that he's in CYF. Val and I were almost in tears by the end of dinner! Haha. Anyway, in conclusion to this absurdly long entry: CYF Camp has changed me, and I've never been more thankful for change. :) I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me. To those that I've not written letters to or replied to: Truly sorry, I just never had the time and energy. Haha, but fret not, it will come in other ways! Haha. :) I love you guys.

Oh, and PS: Kudos to Angie and Ben (the failed Postmaster) for organizing a great camp. Your efforts have not gone undectected! Haha! :) You guys rock.


I never minded calling You a King
If that meant that I could count on You
To give me everything.

I never thought to ask You,
I always thought You knew,
It was never my intention to question You...
You never minded calling me a child.
Well, I guess that's how I acted all the while.
But You live through every tantrum, You see through every lie,
Though they seem to be more common,
I just wanted You to know why oh why...

Unforgetful You, unforgetful.
Unforgetful You, so unforgetful.

You never minded giving us the stars,
Then showing us how blind and unaware of You we are.
You painted me a picture and showed me how to see,
Though I just won't behold it,
Unless it pertains to me...

Unforgetful You, unforgetful.

Unforgetful You, so unforgetful.

she smiled
at 3:47 PM

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