the average goddess,

the compulsive shopaholic,

the absentminded ditz,

and just a little insane.

swimmer; drama mama; councillor;

# resolutions;
1. participate more actively in CYF/Mustard Seed.
2. participate more in CCAs.
3. be a better older sister.
4. be a better daughter for once.
5. get good grades and maintain them.
6. listen, not talk. (this applies to class too!)
7. have a journal/diary.
8. be a friend to everyone.
9. remember important dates.
10. stay happy, even when the tears fall. :)

# linkage;
temporary insanity;


carol n.

[Chinese New Year]
[Thanksgiving Mass]
[The Rockafellaskank]
[CYF Camp]
[T8 Orientation]
[31st March]
[Elects Camp]
[Discover! Camp]

blogger;cursor;angelfire; photobucket;music;

July 2003; August 2003; September 2003; October 2003; November 2003; December 2003; January 2004; February 2004; March 2004; April 2004; May 2004; June 2004; July 2004; August 2004; October 2004; November 2004; December 2004; January 2005; February 2005; March 2005; May 2005; June 2005;


Monday, February 28, 2005
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.


i'm sorry but i have to type this out. i know that there'll be people who are going to be so pissed at me for blowing this up, but i just have to. i need to let it out, at least for the moment. so that i can move over and move on. bear with me, please.

met up with val, wyna, carol, qibs and candice to go back to school, and the atmosphere there was just intense. everyone was just freaking out, and understandably too. i mean, it's not everyday that you receive such important results, yes? hah. and i have to say that on the whole, IJ did very, very well, and i'm so proud of everyone, truly:

100% passes in Add Math.
100% passes in Chem.
100% passes in Lit with 75% Distinctions.
Average of 13.5 points in the entire level.

and 4/9, i think we did awesomely -- everyone qualified for JC, which should, in effect, mean that everyone got roughly under 20. now how cool is that? so anyway. i've gotten 13 points for my O-levels. BUT i'm not in the least bit happy or thankful or grateful or relieved. in fact, when mrs alex handed me my results slip and i looked at it, i could literally feel my heart sink. and everything just came crashing down. i went outside, and i just started crying. i swear, it was the first time that i've ever cried over results.

everyone was telling me as i tried to stop blubbing,

oh van, you did well what!

what are you crying for, you silly girl? 13's already considered pretty good!

eh, you can stay in CJC what!

but they don't understand that that's not the point. the point is that i don't deserve those scores. so maybe i'm wallowing in self-pity here, but i did honestly think that i could at least get 10 points. i thought i'd studied as hard as i possibly could. i thought i'd given it my bestest shot and i thought that just perhaps, my results would reflect how much effort and struggling i put in. but apparently not.

apparently, i didn't study hard enough. and i just screwed up in everything. admittedly, i'm glad that i got As for english, literature and emaths. but then again, what happened to physics? what happened to chemistry? why am i getting threes for both? i know it's greedy to want more and more, when others would give anything to have my score. but i just can't swallow it. unlike those who can admit that they were playing throughout Os, i studied my butt off. and this is supposed to be my just rewards? i can't help feeling as if i failed. and that i've failed myself by not reaching my own expectations. i can understand perfectly how rox feels.

that's the reason why i didn't go for thanksgiving mass with carol and val today, because i don't think any thanks i give would be sincere. knowing myself, i'd probably end up demanding to know why He let me get such crap grades. i know, "everything happens for a reason" and "everything, in His time" but screw it. whatever happened to "God helps those who help themselves"? i freaked out all my classmates by studying so hard, and but apparently i've not helped myself enough because my grades are far less than perfect.

okay. enough of this wallowing in self-pity thing. i've just gotta start all over and prove to myself, as rox puts it, that i can do it. and that i am capable of getting grades i'll be proud of.

she who thinks she can do it, will.


I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs...

she smiled
at 9:11 PM

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