#vanessa;
the average goddess,

the compulsive shopaholic,

the absentminded ditz,

and just a little insane.

240788-->leo;
ex-IJTP.4/nine2004;
cjc.1T05;
swimmer; drama mama; councillor;
laugh_out_loud247[at]hotmail[dot]com;

# resolutions;
1. participate more actively in CYF/Mustard Seed.
2. participate more in CCAs.
3. be a better older sister.
4. be a better daughter for once.
5. get good grades and maintain them.
6. listen, not talk. (this applies to class too!)
7. have a journal/diary.
8. be a friend to everyone.
9. remember important dates.
10. stay happy, even when the tears fall. :)

# linkage;
pinkstilettos;
temporary insanity;
guestbook;
poetry;


angels`
-friends

4/nine.
chij.
alyssa.
angie.
benjamin.
bernie.
bert.
brendan.
carol.
carol n.
charles.
cheryl.
chris.
corinne.
dalun.
darren.
elsa.
erika.
gen.
joachim.
jolene.
judette.
kimberly.
lester.
nat.
qibing.
roxy.
sam.
sean.
seb.
sheryl.
stephi.

-snaps
[Carolling]
[Dinner&Dance]
[CJC]
[Chinese New Year]
[Poetry]
[Misc]
[Sentosa]
[Thanksgiving Mass]
[The Rockafellaskank]
[CYF Camp]
[T8 Orientation]
[31st March]
[Elects Camp]
[Discover! Camp]

-thanks
blogger;cursor;angelfire; photobucket;music;

-memories
July 2003; August 2003; September 2003; October 2003; November 2003; December 2003; January 2004; February 2004; March 2004; April 2004; May 2004; June 2004; July 2004; August 2004; October 2004; November 2004; December 2004; January 2005; February 2005; March 2005; May 2005; June 2005;

layoutandimages[by]q|en

Monday, January 31, 2005
i love i love! :D

___________________

When God decided to invent
Everything he took one
Breath bigger than a circustent
And everything begun
When man decided to destroy
Himself he picked the was
Of shall and finding only why
Smashed it into because.

__________________

" Some men break your heart in two,
Some men fawn and flatter,
Some men never look at you;
And that clears up the matter."

__________________

Dew-drops are the gems of morning,
But the tears of mournful eve !
Where no hope is, life's a warning
That only serves to make us grieve.

__________________

(i like this the best. bitches, this one's for you.)

I believe in angels,
The kind that heaven sends,
I am surrounded by angels,
But I call them friends.

- Aizabel Parinas -



she smiled
at 7:54 PM


mmm, monday today. not too bad, as mondays go. didn't run in the morning 'cause my stomach was feeling queasy. -sighs- still, just as well 'cause i didn't have anyone to run with me too. sobs! why doesn't anyone like running? (haha, actually i don't really like it, but suddenly i feel the need to whip my flabby body back into shape. haha, yes i'm senseless.) anyhoos! chinese wasn't too bad i think. just the normal cheena stuff. and then history lecture and geoggers (same old, same old) and after that i crashed the econs lecture again.

actually it's not so much as crashing as sitting in and actually listening. 'cause my mum wants me to take 4 A-level subs if my O-level results are good. and anyway, even if they're not that fantastic, i think i want to drop geog and take econs instead. i could actually understand in econs you know! and i knew the answers to the questions that boring teacher flashed on the ppt presentation! haha. :)

gp lecture was stupid. shawn and i had to sit right in the very very front. and the guy presenting the lecture looked like a bear, had specs which were miraculously always lopsided and had the most arrogant air in the world. -raises eyebrow- haha, so you can imagine how much i listened. and lit tutotrial after that wasn't much fun either, it was just tiring. lit has been disappointing. how i wish i was in mr fahy's class. at least i'm then guaranteed of entertainment. haha. ohwells.

took the bus to tp (met darren and ada at the bus-stop too) to wait for shawn and after that he sent me home. :) haha, somehow it's the little things that make me smile the most. ahaha. i guess i'm just silly, eh? -smiles-

oh, PS! any 4niners reading this take note: ij's having cny mass on 8th febbers. was thinking of going back for mass and then going out after that, probably to town. i don't have a fixed plan, probably just go to town and chill. any ideas? let me know! if you're coming, let me know! if you're not, don't bother to let me know! haha, ok that's lame. ;) take care ya'll.


she smiled
at 7:03 PM


Sunday, January 30, 2005
back blogging. :) sunday's over, and monday looms. haha, and like most mondays i'm looking forward to going back to school. :) 1t05 may not be as mad as the other classes (i think we're pretty good students actually!) but we entertain ourselves all the same. haha. and i haven't done a stitch of work since friday. goodness me, i'm losing my resolution already? haha. ooh, just changed my skin too. i love this one! :)

reflecting on today, i think the best thing to say about today is that it's over. (as in, today) i'm ready to close this awful phase and move on to better days ahead. i've been musing about most stuffs today on this sorta thingamajig. haha, vanessa the complex thinker? wahaha! pop quiz, you guys. say you're with someone, and you can have two wishes (yes, it's a fantastical sort of thing.) either...

a) a wish for their happiness -- not only for now, but even for when the relationship is over.
b) a wish that your relationship will stay and blossom in years to come.

which would YOU pick?

oh, and i found this poem i wrote last year. i think it was erika who gave me the line "who painted the moon black?" and from that line i came up with my own poem. haha, for those who don't already know, i love poems, both writing and reading them. :)

COLOURS - © vanann '04
who painted the moon black,
and the sun a shining blue?
who tainted the sky so grey
and all the flowers too?
colours in this world evade me;
illusions have disappeared and died.
and all the colours will reutrn, she tells me,
when all my tears have been cried.
to you:
you know how people always say, it's not easy making relationships work? somehow i guess we just don't really register what they say or take it for genuine, perhaps because at that time things were still going fine. well i guess today and yesterday was an example of that. i've done things that hurt you, and you've done things to hurt me too. but now that the dust has settled, i guess the both of us can see what really matters here, eh? you're what matters to me, and you always will. more than anything in the world, i pray for your happiness. even if this doesn't last forever, i want you to be happy. always! haha. things may not always be easy, but i know that we'll work through it. we always have.
love, me.


she smiled
at 9:21 PM


Midnight workings weather down the story line.
I try to find the truth between all the lies,
And bleeding is feeling and feeling ain't real.
Will I see when I open my eyes?
(Will I see when I open my eyes?)
When breathing's a burden we all have to bear.
And trust is one thing we're taught never to share.
Somehow you just seem to shine,
When loving means breaking and saying goodbye.
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do.
You help heal the pain and the thoughts of the truth.
You're a question to the universe,
A wonder to the world and,
Somehow when I'm with you
I never get burned.
Caught in a trap of what we're taught to believe,
When night overcomes day, life's so hard to perceive.
And the clock keeps on tickin' through night's shattered skies
Where the stars are all broken and so are the ties.
But the one thing remaining is you.
When I'm broken and bleeding you pull me right through.
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do.
You help heal the pain and the thoughts of the truth.
You're a question to the universe,
A wonder to the world and,
Somehow when I'm with you
I never get burned...


she smiled
at 9:58 AM


Every fish that escapes seems bigger than it really is.


yesterday was a great day, and i really enjoyed myself! mmm, let's see. the day started with going out with daddy and my brother of course. but then after that, dad gave me some money and told me to buzz off. haha, i guess he wanted to talk to my brother. yupp, so called joachim first and he said he couldn't, then called elsa and she said she could! i'm sorry that i woke you up. :) and i'm sorry to YOU too, i would have called you instead, but initially i was only supposed to be by myself until one plus, two. so it would've been a waste calling you out and then leaving you to bum around after that with nothing to do. hope you understand.

so went to town with elsa, and we talked a lot. about life, love, and all of the in between. i really had a good time, and i think we are pretty similar in our thinking sometime. haha, but our dress sense is SO different! ahaha. walked around, took neoprints (haha!), had ice-cream and met cheryl and jieying! (ooh, i missed them both so much) and it turned out that they were going to see yilin, who sms-ed me that she was back from thailand for the weekend and whether we wanted to meet up. i thought i couldn't, but i'm so glad i did! :) really miss seeing that bimbotic alien. haha! -big hugs- love you girl. after that i had to go home, so i left elsa (again, sorry about that) and asked mum if i could join elsa's friends for dinner. amazingly, she said yes! haha.

and last night was great fun too, though it was a risk. i went for dinner with elsa, tim, dalun, grace and karthi. they're this one tight clique! haha, and you can really see that they enjoy each other's company immensely. anyhoos! i was the freaking first one there (PUNCTUALLY AT SIX) while dalun came ten minutes later, and then grace and karthi, and THEN tim and els an HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES after i got there. i could seriously feel my stomach begin to digest itself. haha! well anyways. after that we went to chomchom to eat! the stingray wasn't too bad, and although i can't eat chilli stuff, lun was nice enough to help me take the inner meat of the stingray which didn't have chilli! see, i don't know why there's two sides of him. i prefer this side to his act-cute side! hahaha! :)

after that we headed back to ice3 (it's an ice-cream parlour, and that's where we met up) and chilled for a while. played truth or dare (actually, it was more of a dare-and-double-dare game!) and somehow the only dare i remember was tim's one -- he had to do five push-ups in the middle of the cafe! haha. we also played spin the bottle (or rather, my handphone) and although it was a much much much milder version (not a single lips2lips! haha!) it was still loadsa fun. :) then then then. we went to buy vodka, and somehow or rather, decided to go to tavistock park. lun and i went to buy and miraculously didn't get carded! haha, score 2 (i bought for the girls on grad night too) for me. ;)

owing to our brilliant sense of direction, we only took about half-an-hour to get there because we took a wrong turn. :) by the time we reached tavistock park, we'd all finished our drinks. haha! then we all just sat around (and by that i mean sitting around on a web of ropes) and chilled. :) mmm, after that lun, tim, els and me took a cab back and they dropped me off first. my mother was suspecting that i drank eh! 'cause my entire face was flushed. haha, shit man. why do i drink so infrequently! haha. but yeah, mucho thanks to everyone yesterday. i had a great time, and i hope i wasn't intruding? haha. you guys are great.

-yawns and stretches- couldn't sleep in this morning, strangely, even though i slept at three after yakking to tim for a while. it's weird. i couldn't sleep last night, and i couldn't sleep in again this morning? tomorrow i'm gonna be a zombie lah. and for some reason, i'm still feeling a bit woozy and queasy. hmmm. guess drinking's really not my thing. haha. mmm, don't know if they're meeting up to study today or if i am/can join them. guess i'll see how things go.

You do everything on a grand scale and seek to have at least two of everything. Perhaps you had a financially insecure childhood. Maybe flamboyant relatives overshadowed you. Whatever the circumstances of your upbringing, they prompted you to become an outstanding success. Fighting your way to the top comes naturally to you.

Fun-loving people with a dash of flair have a special hold on your heart. Ariens, Leos, Librans, and Sagittarians have a lot in common with you. As far as your love life is concerned, you need a partner who isn't afraid to take risks. With the support of a loving mate, you can accomplish anything you desire. You need to have someone in your corner.

You have a strong artistic streak that could net you a fortune. Selling handmade items is a good possibility for you, as you like to put a personal stamp on everything you do. There's a good chance you will integrate nature's bounty into your work. Running a health food store, flower shop, or gardening service are among the ways you may make a living. You will probably market your wares to high-end clients; an air of exclusivity characterizes everything you do. Eventually, you could even launch your own line of luxury products.

Romance is important to you, although work can get in the way of your love life. At some point, you may have to choose between your personal and public lives. You may decide to take time off to raise your children. Such a decision could add an exciting new dimension to your life. Caring for young people fills a deep need within you. Whether you realize it or not, you're a very nurturing person.

Your greatest challenge is to scale back work for the sake of love. Although you are capable of great things on the career front, it's more important to build up a loyal circle of friends. Your biggest strength is your caring heart. If you obey its instincts, you'll never go wrong.
(http://www.tigerbeer.us/horoscope/. taken from ollie's blog.)


she smiled
at 8:44 AM


Thursday, January 27, 2005
For every hero, there's at least one shero.


hello all! i'm in school now using one of their computers to blog. they're all having econs now, and that's why i'm deathly bored. :) mmmm, let me try to remember what happened today.
maggers and i ponned religion class and had ethics lesson with our classmates instead. mag says that ethics is better, but i'm not sure which is worse actually! they're both quite silly. today, mdm damo was talking about morals and the stages of morality or something plus something about how to solve our problems. seeing as we're almost going to be 17 (or 18) i'd say we have enough experience in handling our own problems, thank you very much! haha.


after that was history, and mrs winter came in again. she's really cool, and i really like her. :) i hope i'll be able to continue with history, it's seriously the most entertaining subject thus far. haha, but i wouldn't rule out the possibility of literature taking over soon! haha. :) pe after that was pure, complete, absolute, utter

TORTURE!

it faintly reminded me of swimming training at one point in time, when we had to sprint one lap of the field (which is already a harrowing experience) and rest one minute and DO IT AGAIN! twice!! he's freaking mad. but our cross-country thing is on wednesday next week, so i guess i have to run in order to try to -- at least -- finish the 4.2km marathon. it's horrible! right, so anyone willing to run with me in the mornings (albeit til wednesday)? let me know! :)

anyhoos. after that we had our break (some of us could barely stomach anything, including yours truly) and then geoggers lecture. it was HARD WORK trying to stay awake as it was, and having maggers and shawners fall asleep on either side of me did NOT help! haha. but anyway. it was on overfishing and they showed dolphins being killed and all. it was so depressing. i refused to watch it halfway. :( mmm. after geoggers was gp and let me just say this: our class has so many hidden talents! harrold's french accent voice just cracks me up (and the whole class) ! it's uber funny, and i'm going to learn it. hahaha! :) they even made a recording of it, and he was saying a lot of silly things like how magdaleeen cheng of 1t05 likes to play the volleybollll, with the maneee maneee guys... yes, she likes to play with the maneee maneee bolls with the maneee maneee guys! thank you for leeseeneeng, have a pleasant day! it was bloody hilarious! hahaha. :D

and then was chinese. it was another of those if-i-fall-asleep-please-pinch-me-before-the-teacher-does lessons. -makes face- but i like chinese, and according to the teacher i've got to get a b3 for my exam in order to do law in uni. so i'm gonna try for that. :) haha. and now they're having econs, so i'm on break. haha, today's been a good day so far. let's hope it stays that way. ;)

aiights, i gotta go. much love you guys!

longer than, there've been stars up in the heavens;
higher than, any bird every flew...;
longer than, there've been fishes in the ocean,
i've been in love with you.



she smiled
at 3:21 PM


Wednesday, January 26, 2005
PICUTRES UP!

she smiled
at 8:15 PM


Moderation in everything except love.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHI!
the first of the bitches to turn 17! :) i hope you liked the surprise today, and i'm sorry if it was a bit muddled at first. haha, things have a way of turning out in ways not quite what you expected it to be. haha. :) you're my sweetie girl, and nothing will ever change our friendship, because we're also bitches! haha. i love you so much. take care, and keep that smile on that lovely face! :)
-bighugs-


had drama again today! and we had a little surprise for a certain ms stephanie png, who celebrates her 17th birthday today! she actually thought i forgot, because i took great pains not to wish her or sound even like i remembered! haha. :) such a silly sweetie.

anyhoos. today was fun, like most days are. history is still the most interesting (and mrs winter is my IDOL! she has a tattoo! -squeals- right, that's it. i'm gonna get one after A-levels or during university. i think grads with tatts are just doubly cool. it just shows that they're intelligent, without having to be nerds! haha, yes i'm shallow and superficial. deal with it. ;) and geoggers is still the most dumb. -makes face- oh, and mr fahy just rocks, naturally. :) he's superbly entertaining. :)

oh gross. there's RE tomorrow again. maggers, do you think we'll get expelled if we pon?

oceans apart, day after day.
and i slowly go insane...
i hear voice on the line,
but it doesn't stop the pain.
if i see you next to never,
how can we say 'forever'?


wherever you go, whatever you do,
i will be right here waiting for you.
whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks,
i will be right here waiting for you.

i took for granted, all the times
that i thought would last somehow.
now i hear the laughter,
i taste the tears.
but i can't get near you now.
oh can't you see it baby?
you got me going crazy...

wherever you go, whatever you do,
i will be right here waiting for you.
whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks,
i will be right here waiting for you...


she smiled
at 7:37 PM


Tuesday, January 25, 2005
God has a sense of humour.


today was a pretty alright day at school. let's start at the beginning. hmmm, religion class was plain stupid. yeah, i know it sounds blasphemous for a Catholic to say it, but it's just silly! the teacher can barely control the class, and i don't even know anyone there except maggers and joshua. (oh, and this guy damien who was in my marymount kindergarten class. can you believe it, i remember his face from 12 years ago?!) so yeah. granted, it was only the first lesson, but i'm pretty sure i'm NOT looking forward to going back on thursday. -makes face-

anyhoos. after that was gp, and maggers and me finally did our presentation. haha. it seems slightly strange to say it now, but maggers and i amuse each other so easily! haha, it's like an ego boost, making her laugh. haha! how delusional. anyhoos! after that we had p-fucking-e. pe is just weird with that mr liew guy. i don't know, maybe he's infatuated (word of the day, take not maggers!) with my name or something, he keeps calling ME! -scowls- so i have to be the one who looks like an idiot. hahaha. ;)

one and a half hours of chinese blahness! haha. we went to lt5 to watch 'xi you ji' (or journey to the west), and i was bloody tortured for that period of time, NO thanks to a certain mr shawn lee (that donkey called me polysexual today! i have not forgiven him.) and another mr harrold lim. i don't understand how maggers can stand sitting next to him. -makes face- haha. after that was the geoggers test. flunked it rightaway, because i didn't even read anything yesterday night. ahhh. besides, i was so tired that i actually fell asleep after the test? haha. after that mumsy (ooh, so affectionate) came to pick me and my bro and i had our dental check-ups.

i've to go back in march because i've got 3 cavaties. -sniffs- and this is what the dentist said:

"Don't tell me... You like chocolates, right?"


-pouts- so now i'm not supposed to eat chocolates. right. if anyone finds me dead in two weeks, you know what killed me. :) HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE WITHOUT CHOCOLATES?

and more bad news. i lost my naval piercing! because the metal stud actually broke through my skin (a few days ago, my mum suspected i had one, so i took it out to be on the safe side. later on, i put it back in, but it had closed up a bit already.), and my guess is that when i put it back in, i put it too close to the surface. -sighs- now i've got a little valley where it used to be. and i've put plasters there to close up that valley. :( how saddening!

i've been having difficulties keeping to myself.
feelings and emotions better left upon the shelf.
animals and children tell the truth, they never lie.
which one is more human?
there's a thought, now you decide.


she smiled
at 7:13 PM


Saturday, January 22, 2005
Prove them wrong.


i truly believe that for people as competitive as me, that phrase ^^ can be one of the most powerful motivation phrases ever. :) oh, and speaking of competitive people. y'know, ever since i entered cj, most of the guys i've gotten to know are leos! haha, or aries, if you count matt and this other guy whose name eludes me. haha. how cool. and here i thought the only other leo guy i knew was joa! haha. alright, random thought there. ;)

anyhoos. today was alright, went for lunch with the family today in j8 and saw wk and his very pretty darling. haha! oh, and some bad news. my mother suspects i've gotten my belly pierced. -groans- more hiding and having to be careful. sighhhh. :( and she thinks i'm bulimic! me, the girl who doesn't NOT eat when it's break-time? JUST because i have a habit of rinsing my mouth (ie, visiting the washroom) after eating, she assumes that i go there to puke my guts out.

SHE IS BLOODY INSANE.

just because i've lost weight recently, and my apetite has admittedly shrunken a bit, it does NOT mean that i'm even mildly anorexic or bulimic, thank you very much. she always seems to think that there's something wrong with me. -scowls- haha. well, anyway. talking to tim on msn (which was very nice, thank you!) yesterday made me realise that i've been leading a very boring life (which was not so nice, so no thank you! haha.)! so, i've made up my mind. everyday i'm going to try to do something that i've never done before. and it can be as simple has trying a new dish in school or saying hi to someone new. -beams- i doubt i'll go rolling down a hill while kite-flying or jump off a playground roof anytime soon, but hey, this way's as good as any of making my days better. :)

i'm reading draco dormiens by cassandra claire all over again. i can't get over it. after nat, she's my favourite writer. :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. have you ever gotten the feeling that there's something you want to do very badly, but you just don't know what it is? haha. i HATE that feeling.

I don't want another pretty face.
I don't want just anyone to hold.
I don't want my love to go to waste.
I want you and your beautiful soul.
You're the one I wanna chase,
You're the one I wanna hold.
I wont let another minute go to waste.
I want you and your beautiful soul...


has anyone told you that you've got a beautiful soul? :)
imissyou.


she smiled
at 8:21 PM


Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Dream in C O L O U R.


haha, yesterday's entry makes me sound like a depressed loon. ahaha. well anyway! that should be pmsing-ness, period's due soon i think? but yes, i shall not discuss female anatomy with you lot. :) in other news, rach's leaving today... how saddening. everyone is running off everywhere, yilin, rach. -makes face- i would say more but that blasted brother of mine wants the com. will edit this later.

--------------
7.25pm, 20th Jan 2005


i've just had dinner and it's the first time i've had coke for about a week? it's horrid, the school canteen is not allowed to sell coke! -gasps- what sort of torture is that, man? anyhoos! i'll summarize yesterday: drama wasn't too bad, although it was a bit disappointing that we only played about 4-5 games? haha. but we got to know some seniors better which was nice i guess. after that, hubby* sent me home. :) that was great. :)

so, enough about yesterday. :) today school was quite alright! had a brownie for breakfast (i tend to have the earlier periods off because there's aomath and econs for the rest of them) and got told off by that weird william hung guy. i think his name's mr tan. haha. then we had history with darling mrs winter again. y'know, it's teachers like her who make me think that maybe a career in teaching might not be such a bad thing either. haha. she's really great! i like her a LOT. :) haha. anyhoos! after that we had pe. i think my knee is getting worse and worse. the burpees, sit-ups, push-ups and running and all really made it worse. -sighs- never again! haha. ;)

geoggers lecture after break. god it's boring. the teacher is boring. the subject is boring. the subject's present topic is boring. GOODNESS. what on earth am i going to do? i haven't read about 3/4 of the bloody geofiles or done much notes. die lah, looks like my weekend is burnt 'cause i've got a geog test (not to mention, lit and history as well) coming up. -makes face- onto GP! got back my essay -- 26/50. how discouraging! haha. but i'll try to do better i suppose. :) chinese was taxing! there's only about a million new words. :( how am i going to do well for chinese at this rate? ahhh. shan't think about that now, it'll only hurt my brain.

oooh. i love love love LOVE 1t05! haha, suddenly i'm feeling a very very big love for my class. :)

maggers. no doubt the one i'm closest to in class. she reminds me of someone in IJ but i can't remember who. haha. in any case, she's really so nice once she warms up. haha, she's like an ice queen when you first meet her! haha. but i'm glad we're friends. :) -bighugs- gonna hate seeing her leave.
kangers. mr maris stella! aye, you. stop quarelling with your darling so much ok? give in to her! women must be treated veryvery well. :) anyhoos. this guy's a great friend. very kaypoh, but hey, we all have our flaws. haha. great knowing him. :)
shawners. one of the very few boys who's actually ticklish. haha, and shit it's fun. :) this is one guy who's great to kid around with because, as mdm damo puts it, he behaves like her 13-year-old son. haha! :) on the whole a great guy. :)
boon wee. the only person who gets to school earlier than me!
harrold. the smart guy! sitting in front of him is like sitting in front of an encyclopedia! he knows a lot of stuff man. looks like he's gonna be (along with almost everyone else!) my competition for topping the class. haha! but anyway, he's great. :)
jiaqi. the beng-lookalike! haha. this poor dude sprained his foot a few days back. hope he's alright now. sat next to him for the first few days of school and he's quite funny when you talk to him. haha. :)
xuelin, pervinder, kalpana: these 3 are from ijtp! haha, but i didn't know them. anyhoos, i still don't really know them, so maybe we'll get to talk one of these days. :) hope to see them mingling more with the rest too. ;)
zhong ming. the scholar! a really quiet boy, and one whom dear shawners keeps exploiting! he makes him sit next to him in lectures so he can copy notes off him! horrid, i tell you. so anyway, he's really a genius. haha. and very very gentlemanly. guys, learn from him!
yining, qwen, jasmine. yining's the one with me in lit class! haha. she gives me the impression that she really is someone who can appreciate beauty in literature, so it's a surprise to know that she doesn't like it. haha, really sweet and articulate too! :) qwen was my first friend in class. we sat next to each other for a couple of days, and she's so nice! she's really quiet and all, so hopefully she'll open up and we'll all be able to see another side of her. :) i don't really know jasmine yet, so hopefully (again) i'll get to work with her and get to know her better.
joshua, andre. these two sit next to each other. haha. andre adores putting a towel over his head, (to keep back the fringe), while joshua's mrs winter's new pet. haha. but yeah, great guys. :)
cheng hong, ryhan.i don't really know these two that well yet. so i'll have to think about this one for a bit. but i can say that they're both really nice, and easy to have a conversation with. :)
(ching haw withdrew yesterday, jonathan and zhan jie (?) transferred out)

am i lame or what? yeesh. ;) haha. and not forgetting. my bitches! i miss you lot. and allllllll the people in church/ij/asher/everyfreakingwhere. imissyouandloveyou. will definitely catch up with you guys soon. joachim, set a date. natters, you're first on my list, princess. ;) meantimes, i've gotta go start mugging for the tests. anyone reading this, take care and do study hard! -bigsmile-

i'm bitten by the lovebug.
ilovemyhubby. :)


she smiled
at 8:20 PM


Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Sometimes Silence can be so loud...


today was alright, typical as days go. had religious class (well, a briefing only) in the morning which wasn't too bad. sat with elsa, and that girl really cracks me up! plus got to see and talk to wyna and johanna. it's so irritating, that even though we're in the same school, we hardly see each other at all, sometimes for days. -makes face- i miss secondary school times. :( ohwell. after that we had gp tutorial and we went down to the library to look at books and all. y'know, i might consider doing arts and social sciences next time instead of law. hmm, see how it goes i guess.

after that we had pe, and we played basketball. my pe teacher is quite annoying now, 'cause he's so hung up on "being organized". when we do ANYTHING we have to be like 3 inches from each other or else we're considered disorganized. -rolls eyes- but anyways. bball was fun, although andre and i both fell (i fell over him actually, haha) and jiaqi sprained his ankle. so yeah, now my knees are scraped. and it hurts! -winces- haha, but i'll deal. :)

chinese after our break was pretty uneventful, unless you count the part where kangers fell asleep with his mouth open. haha, that was really quite funny! haha. and we had to do CHINESE summaries? i can barely pass my ENGLISH summary, and now they want it in chinese. how sad is that? -sighs- but i think maggers had no problems. maggers kangers and shawners. haha it's funny right! i think it sounds so unique. lols. :) i really like my class, it's going to be so sad when everyone leaves... i just might start bawling. :/ anyhoos! after that, geoggers was stupid. and boring. (when is it not? qwen's previous msn nick: geography: save the rainforests, kill yourself.)

lit lecture and tutorial after that, (and by now i was starving) and i'm SO disatisfied with lit! i thought we'd be doing a book or something or AT LEAST some unseen text or anything, but NOOOOO. we're doing silly stuff like introductions to drama, prose and poetry. they even have to tell us what a plot is?! -sighs- looks like the remaining interesting subject is history. :s well at least i have a lit test coming on monday to look forward to. that should be a nice change from the usual. mdm damo is alright and everything, but she goes SO slowly and her voice is so grating. ickk.

would you believe me if i said that i bought 4 files (for hist, geog, lit, gp) because i loved the poem on the cover of the files? hah. well i did, and it wasn't a waste, because the poem is just so meaningful. i don't know why people don't like literature, much less poetry. poetry is such a passionate form of literature, and one that "is considered the highest form of languages", according to a certain Mr Fahy. ahh well. here's the poem.

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind.


isn't it beautiful? for some reason, it just touches me today. i've been reading and reading it over and over again, and today it just kinda hit me. it's just a simple and fundamental way of saying that we should not dwell in the past, and so much more actually. (lit students, you're on your own for this one!)

... i wish i could find the words to express myself, but i doubt i can. i just feel so alone. i mean, my class is great and all, but y'know that feeling, when you're in a crowd full of friends and people, but you still feel so lonely? that's how i'm feeling. and meeting val and joachim today didn't help much, though i thought it would. they're so happy, and enjoying each other's company and all. i hate to say it, but i feel so cut off from them. what can we talk about now, huh? there's not even a common point of interest that would last more than five minutes of conversation. maybe i'm being melodramatic or something, or maybe i'm pmsing but at this point, one phrase pops into the mind:

"...and she felt the utter isolation of the human soul."


hah. how apt.

she smiled
at 6:10 PM


Thursday, January 13, 2005
The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.


right, let's see what happened today. hmmm, history tutorial this morning was cool! ms narindar is pretty interesting and she knows a lot of stuff, so i felt a bit stupid at times. -screws up face- haha. bu on the whole it was a great lesson. :) actually all the history teachers are nice, except that mrs winter seems 'pms-y' all the time. she's actually quite pretty when she smiles! haha. :) anyways! then we had pe, and that wasn't too bad. the usual, warming-up and running around the track before taking height and weight. i've mixed feelings to say that i've grown another cm. haha, and that i'm 51kg. i feel so fat! but, as i do not want to get pounded to death by some people out there, i shall not whine. :)

anyhoos! geog lecture (after history lect) was bloody boring as everyone sitting around me (ie, wk + mag + shawn) knows. i was not listening at all (since she was repeating the notes i read last night) and i think she knew it. haha. it's not MY fault she's boring. mmmm. chinese was dead boring too, although on a lighter note, the chinese teacher doesn't seem to hate me anymore. haha. :) hmmm, after lit lect (can you believe it, we had a test -- in multiple choice! that is so NOT lit.) met wk and mag in the library for a while before meeting shawn and going home. :)

aye. jc life is so tiring, and if it's not then i'm not sure why i feel so sleepy and exhausted everyday. and, as a few people pointe out today, i'm not talking as much. :( hah, no energy for that i suppose! and it'll take time for my body to adapt. ahhh. i'm confused. and i'm not sure what about. -makes face-

You better shape up, (ooh ooh ooh)
'Ccause I need a man...
And my heart is set on YOU!
You better shape up,
You better understand...
That to my heart I must be true!

You're the one that I want!
You are the one, ooh ooh ooh, HONEY!
The one that I want,
You are the one, ooh ooh ooh!
The one I need, oh yes indeed...!


you're the one that i want. :)


she smiled
at 7:07 PM


Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Write it in your hearts that every day will be the best day of your life.


well. today really wasn't the best day! haha, let me tell you what happened. first things first, we had a GP test. and the questions were really difficult! yeesh. i'm doomed lah. :/ anyways. after that we had pe, and our pe teacher is bloody insane (but not as testosterone-driven as the other one! he was soo funny, shouting in a sing-song voice. wahaha!)! he made us do push-ups, crunches, burpies, jumping jacks, running up and down the grand-stand and around the field... and you realise we have this 3 times a week? -groans-

anyhoos. after that we had our break, and following that we had chinese. and, as everyone in my class knows, my freaking chinese teacher HATES me. JUST because i talked a little in her class and maybe laughed a little. is that so wrong?! (and that's a rhetorical question, you need not answer) yeeesh. the woman is IRRITATING and she made me the chinese rep for t5. HOW SCREWED UP IS HER BRAIN? and to think, i told her that i liked chinese. pooo you! -makes face-

ayye. haha. after that! my classmates had aomaths while i read my geoggers, and then they got to go home while i had to stay for both a literature lecture and tutorial. it wasn't that bad, at least it's a subject i love. :) alright, i need to go have dinner and read my shitass boring geofiles. :P

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you,
Give me a moment, please,
to tame your wild wild heart.
I know you feel like
the walls are closing in on you.
It's hard to find relief
and people can be so cold.

When darkness is upon your door
and you feel like you can't take anymore...

Let me be the one you call,
If you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and
fly away with you into the night...
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash, then crash and burn.
You're not alone...


When you feel all alone,
And a loyal friend is hard to find.
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head.
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day...

Let me be the one you call,
If you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and
fly away with you into the night...
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash, then crash and burn.
You're not alone...

And there has always been
heartache and pain.
And when it's over you'll breathe again.
You'll breathe again...


that song is for you, if only to let you know that i'm always going to be there for you. i love you. :)


she smiled
at 6:07 PM


Sunday, January 09, 2005
Anyone who has never made a mistake, has never tried anything new.


formal schooling starts tomorrow, and i'm wondering if i can keep up with the demands of jc life. haha, when am i not, right? lols. but yesterday has made me think about it even more, because i argued with that mother of mine again. she's infuriating! you would've thought that, seeing as i am going to turn 17 in a few months, that she'd let me handle my own life a bit more. like, not be so strict when i would like to go out and stuff. she simply does not believe that i can manage my time well, as in time for studying, ccas, church activities and going out. i mean, i know that JC life is shit tough and all, but i'm pretty sure that i can handle it! for crying out loud, i'm not a little girl anymore who needs her life managed by someone wiser and smarter and older than me. -makes face- so, i'm going to do this:

1. try to top my class for mid-years, prelims and promos.
2. try to get As and Bs for all my subjects.
3. contribute to mustard seed more.
4. contribute to drama society too!

:) then i'll show her that i can do it, and that i really need my own space. mmmm. anyway. i had a dream mirroring this situation! i dreamt that i got As and Bs. hahaha! let's just hope that becomes a reality. :) mmmm. i'm bored. there's not much to do at home. -yawns- oh, and i've realised that my penchant for decorating my notebooks has faded somewhat. my new 2005 cjc diary is still relatively untouched. -makes face- could be also because i haven't heard many new songs lately, so anyone who knows great songs, please let me know! :) mmmm. guess i should go and finish up the letter now. i just hope brother paul doesn't kill me. :/

I'll be your dream.
I'll be your wish.
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope.
I'll be your love.
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath,
Truly madly deeply do...

I will be strong,
I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
A new beginning.
A reason for living.

A deeper meaning, yeah...

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bath with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.

And when the stars are shining
Brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
And make you want to cry.
The tears of joy for all the
Pleasure in the certainty,
That we're surrounded by the
Comfort and protection of
The highest powers.
In lonely hours,
The tears devour you...

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bath with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.

Oh can you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'cause it's standing right here before you.
All that you need with surely come...


she smiled
at 1:44 PM


Saturday, January 08, 2005
The most wasted of all days is the day when we have not laughed.


before i start -- i sound like a toad. i've had a sorethroat for the past 9 days, i think? and because of the cheering and yelling that we had to do at orientation, it's not had time to get better. -makes face- i sound yucky. anyways! let me tell you about yesterday, our last and final day of orientation. :)

we had introductory lectures on the subjects that we're supposed to study, and i have to admit that after hearing what my classmates said about the econs teacher, i'm relieved i didn't take it. i only need one boring teacher, not two. haha, and that boring teacher in question is the geog one! there are actually three of them, but they're all horrible. i was sitting at the back and doodling all over my testpad. hahaha. :) but on a lighter note, the lit, GP and history teachers seem quite interesting. although, for history, my entire class is stuck in the first two rows, with me right smack in the middle of the first. we can't NOT pay attention! hahaha. but on the whole, it was alright. i'm looking forward to it, actually. :)

after that, we had a break and mag saw her brother! haha, it was quite cool seeing her run up to him and give him a big hug. haha, they're so close! makes me wonder if my brother and i would ever be so close. haha, somehow i doutbt it. :/ anyways. we had a cca 'bazaar' after that, and i joined drama and students' council. i might just stick to both actually, instead of dropping council which i intended to do after the first 3 months. hmmm, we'll see. :) wyna and helena joined a million ccas! canoeing, odac, judo, council... they're going to kill themselves! haha. :) hmmmm, after that we had our preparations for 'finale night' and finale night itself. haha, our skit was so confused. it was super embarrassing! lols. but ahh, you win some, you lose some. anyhoos, i made some new friends again (matt, mabel, ruth, arson, jun long), which i'm happy about. i think i'm channelling elsa's spirit or something! haha, being really friendly and all is me, but not to the extent of chatting with a stranger. haha, but it works for me i guess. :)

right, so after that whole fiasco, my class was supposed to go out and eat, but then so many people couldn't make it, like shawn and mag, so we cancelled and i had dinner with myhubby* instead. haha. oh, and thanks to wee kang, who volunteered to go with me to far east 'cause i didn't know how to get there, and thanks to ryhan and ching haw who were on the bus with me. hahaha, thanks mucho plenty you guys! :D had dinner with shawn and came home after that, he went to play mahjong with the church guys.

on hindight i'd have to say i do quite like JC life. it's just nice, in a way, even though it is taxing and demanding. i haven't had a lot of time for shawn at all, and that pretty much sucks. hopefully things will get better, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed, just in case. :)

it's the way you love me,
it's a feeling like this!
it's centrifugal motion,
it's perpetual bliss!
it's that pivotal moment,
it's, ahh, impossible!
this kiss, this kiss... :)


she smiled
at 10:59 AM


Thursday, January 06, 2005
It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not that does.


haven't updated for a while, so i shall try to summarize! :) anyways. on tuesday, we were spilt up from our IGs after quite an interesting day (i have now grown to really really really like bhangra dancing!) and into our classes. i was so sad! i mean, we were just getting closer to one another in our IG and now it was all over. :( and, what is more, none of my friends (IG or otherwise) were going to be in my class. you can imagine my dismay. :(

anyways. went to my new class feeling so out of place, and it was a good thing that school ended almost immediately after. -sighs- i was so disappointed. but yesterday, things changed a whole big great lot! :D we played so many games, and yeah, i guess through that we really learned how to communicate as a class and to one another as well. got to know some great new friends, like mag, joshua, wee kang and all. :) oh! and i met this guy (shawn) who remembers me (and vice versa) because he helped me to cut queue in his school when i was registering my brother for sec1. hahaha! the world is too small.

yupps! onto today. :)

i'm feeling super happy now, even though (for some reason) i'm a bit giddy and spinning around. hmmm, must be the sun today. anyways! let me tell you all about my day. -big grin- ;)

went to school with a terrible tummyache today, but thankfully it went away after awhile. anyway, went to the grandstand to wait for my classmates because we went dragon-boating today! it was really great fun, even the bus ride there! mag and i were playing truth-or-truth with wee kang and jiaqi, and it was informative, to say the least! haha. they're really nice to talk to. after that, we reached kallang and went down into the water! :) it was really quite tiring at first, 'cause you're exerting one arm more than the other, but after a while it's not so bad. we were having wars with the other classes, splashing them when they got into reach of us! :) haha.

and those BOYS in my class! they're absolutely dreadful! that shawn lee (can you believe it, yet another shawn lee! and IN MY CLASS!) dumped a bucketful of water over my head, and that started the 'drench-vanessa-even-though-she's-already-soaked' campaign! they all ganged up on ME!! and not only once, okay, twice! haha, but i had my revenge too. grabbed both shawn and wee kang (main culprits) and got them into the water too. haha. :)

anyhoos. after that, we dried up and began our 'amazing race'! it wasn't too shabby, we managed to stay together and work together through alotta weird actvities, so i'm really proud of my class. in 2 days, we've gone from being strangers to being pretty bonded! (we even led our house -- inferno -- in cheers, complete with hip-shaking and thrusting! wahaha!) :) t105 has come a loooong way. anyway! after that, we came back to school (this time, mag and i interrogated shawn and harold.) and then got dismissed. got a lift from daddy home, and it was nice 'cause we really talked about stuff and it was simply great, for lack of a better word.

well, i'm currently writing a letter to brother paul, about our class and some unhappiness some of us have about our subject combinations. i have to admit, while i know that this letter would make them all happy (hopefully), i'm a bit reluctant to write it, 'cause then that would mean that they might just leave the class, and i don't want them to go, even if that sounds selfish. haha, i guess i just like my class the way it is. pretty selfish, eh? haha. oh well. tomorrow is finale night! the best night (apparently) and yeah, i'm pretty excited, even though i'm sunburnt and aching. :)

Doubt sees the obstacles
Faith sees the way.
Doubt sees the darkest night
Faith sees the day.
Doubt dreads to take a step
Faith soars on high.
Doubt questions 'who believes?'
Faith answers, 'I.'


she smiled
at 9:46 PM


Monday, January 03, 2005
The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.


haha, now doesn't that quote sound like something brenda wan or ms tan would say? haha. :) anyway! first day of school today, and it was quite an experience. haha. let me start at the beginning. went to CJC pretty early, and waited and waited for stephi. met sheryl instead, while waiting, and we waited for others to turn up. it was quite weird, sitting there on a bench looking at the J2s passing by, and being looked at as well. haha, oh dear. anyway! met most of the others and went up to the hall (or auditorium as they call it) and then we were sorted into our IGs.

my IG was pretty shitty! haha. besides angie and me, there were 5 other girls. and guess what? 16 guys! but before i go into that, the girls were great. sheeni is like christine, super chatty and tres friendly. :) and karen, janice, jacinth and another girl whose name has just slipped my mind. well, anyway. the guys were a major problem! you would have thought that with 16 guys, they'd be more sociable, but no of course not. hahaha, it was tough work for angie and i! we had to ask them all their names again, because our facilitators didn't really give two shits. -makes face- but oh well, i guess they're not that bad. could have been plenty worse! :P

oh, and SPEAKING OF FACILITATORS! one of our IG facils has the most deadened voice known to mankind. he sounds so boring! and so flat! haha, but at least God was fair. he's got a gorgeous face! -gushes- haha. really, the funniest eyes you've ever seen. -melts- haha, but anyway, i shan't go on and on and on about him, i'll just end up making someone jealous. lols! ;) just kidding.

anyways. we also registered for our subject combis, and as far as i know, no one i know is taking the same as me. i'm taking:

1. general paper.
2. mother tongue.
3. ao maths.
4. english literature.
5. history.
6. geography.

do you know, they're very very mean to people who didn't pass their amaths! they've about 4 combinations to chooose from? while everyone else gets roughly 7++? -scowls- i can't help it if i simply cannot do math. poooo. but anyhoos. today on the whole was pretty alright. headed to tp after school (dismissal is (on average) at four every day!! i'm going to die.) with angie, wyna, johanna, joachim and brandon. and then went home after that. tomorrow's agenda: we get our classes (*cheer*) and do more weird activities. haha. i hope it was better than today. :)

saying i love you is not the words
i want to hear from you.
it's not that i want you
not to say but if you only knew
how easy it would be
to show me how you feel.
more than words...
is all you have to do to make it real.
and you wouldn't have to say
that you love me.


'cause i'd already know.


she smiled
at 5:13 PM


Sunday, January 02, 2005
Action may not always mean happiness, but there is no happiness without action.


Top 5 Things That I Have (Fortunately) Not Done in 2004
1. killed a particular amaths teacher.
2. failed my chemistry prelims.
3. run away from home.
4. run away from school.
5. stopped going to church entirely.

Top 10 Things That I Have (Unfortunately) Not Done in 2004
1. passed my amaths.
2. gotten a tongue piercing.
3. gotten a tattoo.
4. been to hawaii.
5. met my gorgey tom felton.
6. been to england.
7. moved out.
8. gone on a massive shopping spree.
9. put up the christmas tree.
10. gone to church frequently.

Top 10 Things That I'm (Incredibly!) Proud Of in 2004
1. stuck with swimming til the end.
2. passed chemistry prelims.
3. fell in love with chemistry.
4. i s-t-u-d-i-e-d.
5. got my naval done.
6. see my kitties as often as i can.
7. fell in lurrrrve. :)
8. gotten closer to some great friends.
9. wrote a good article for MS.
10. 4/9 2004. :D

see that quote at the top? i've decided to put one for every post i have this year. haha, inspirational! :) composed those lists awhile ago, and forgot to put them up. anyhoos. today's been pretty ordinary, y'know, the rain that never stops, and how i end up making silly mistakes from lessons never learnt. i butchered my hair. -sighs- haha, you never really appreciate what you have until you lose it, yes? haha. anyway, it's now quite "neither-here-nor-there", but it grows. i'll live. :)

school starts tomorrow, and while i'm mucho excited about seeing stephi (all tanned and bronzed i bet!) and all the ij amigos that i've not seen for aeons, i have to admit that i am quite terrified. it's just happening so fast, and i guess i'm just afraid that i'll somehow be swept away. will i be smart enough for it? i didn't even pass my bloody maths! will i fit in, will there be people i know in my class... so many questions, and guess what? i don't have any answers. :s what a yucky feeling.

i wanted to be like you,
i wanted everything.
so i tried, to be like you,
and i got swept away...

i didn't know that it was so cold and
you needed someone to show you the way.
so i took your hand and
we figured out that
when the tide comes, i'll take you away.

if you want to, i can save you.
i can take you away from here.
so lonely inside, so busy out there.
and all you wanted was somebody who cared.



wish me luck. :) i'll need it.


and ps, joachim. you BETTER turn up for school tomorrow. at the very very very least. :)

she smiled
at 6:47 PM


Saturday, January 01, 2005
pictures are up! :)

i've edited the carolling pictures, now there's both days. plus i've put up last night's D&D too. :)

oh, and i forgot to mention: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAWN TEO! :D

she smiled
at 1:28 PM


<1:19am, 1st January 2005>

i hope you don't mind,
i hope you don't mind,
that i put down in words...
how wonderful life is
when you're in the world.


-sighs- and you thought the year would never end! well, it has, unfortunately. or fortunately, whichever way you look at it. it's been about an hour since my mother picked my up from Yishun Safra! alotta the CYF members all went down to celebrate! :) it was absolutely a cool experience, and superbly exhilirating. :D spent the afternoon bit with shawn (his parents were both in, and his mum very kindly offered me clarinase for my cold. and it works! i'm never taking panadol again.) and then his dad gave us a lift there. and thank goodness for that too, it was pouring. -makes face-

anyhoos. got there and saw the rest! val in her pretty tube!; angie in her grad-nightish gown!; mal in the world's shortest skirt! wahaha! :) everyone looked great. anyway, we went in after waiting a while and had dinner. the emcee was really funny! not like the lame one we had for grad night, a REALLY funny one. hahaha. and we played this game where a guy had to get all gussied up, and our very own shawnyboy got dolled up a la marilyn monroe, minus the blonde curls and real boobs! :D he looked hilariously funny! (and so did heng and owen! ;))

dinner wasn't fantastic, but it was passable. really liked the sharksfin soup. :) ooh, and the lucky draws!! -scowls- why don't i ever get lucky enough to win a prize! haha, i don't care if it's the last one, i WANT ONE! hahaha, see that's my singaporean side. ;D anyhoos. after that came performances (not too bad!) and the dancing!

normally, i'm quite shy when it comes to this kinda stuff, but for once i'm glad i surrendered all inhibitions and just LET GO! :) it's like you're getting rid of all the old stuff -- all the sadness, fear, anger and regret that you might feel for 2004 and just "morph" into a new YOU for 2005. :D i think it's great, letting go of grievances and starting afresh. :) danced with so many people! gosh, it was great fun! and the songs too! ahaha, though they weren't really the r&b songs that erika, shireen and i were groooovin' too during grad night, they were pretty good anyhow! :)

anyway! mum came to fetch me at 12.20, so i had to leave. i really look forward to the day when she trusts me enough to let me do stuff on my own. she says she doesn't let us (my brother and i) do stuff 'cause there's no "other person" to share the problems with if anything should happen. and that why should we put ourselves at risk of any danger when we can avoid it totally? i get what she's driving at, but it's silly when i think about it -- everyday when you're outside, there's a chance that you might be molested, pickpocketed or killed. a very, very small chance, but a chance nonetheless. does that mean that you're going to stop leaving the house because of it?

i understand that it's stupid to put yourself in harm's way for no good reason, but don't you have to understand that every situation is risky to a certain extent? i say we should just not worry so much. (easy for me to say, i'm not a mother!) yeah, i know. but as a wise man once said, "do not dwell on the past, that you forget to live." he means, don't be terrified of past bad experiences or the uncertainties of the future. no one wants to live a life of "what-ifs" and "could-have-beens". sometimes, we just gotta take it by the horns and screw it. :D

hell. if it happens, it happens. :)

anyhoos! enough about that. it is now saturday, 1st January 2005. to begin this new year, i'm going to round off 2004 with some very necessary thank-yous. :)

natalie + bitchfest'04: god, you guys. i don't know what else to say. y'know, whenever someone asks me what's the one thing i'm going to miss the most about IJ, i say: "my bitches, especially the slashy one." nat, i love you. sec school would have been crazy without you, and i moste probably would've lost it. you're my angel, remember that yeah? bitches -- stephi, carol, abish, chris, tasha, nat. 2005 is a new beginning for us all, and though i might not be next to you, i'll keep you in my hearts if you'll keep me in yours. i love you guys! -hugsallaround-

carol, val, angie, wyna, qibs: angie, my void-deck stufy pal! i still have the chilli packet, you know. :) one thing i find amazing about you is your capacity to love. i've never known someone whose smile is so ready, and whose hands just reach out to touch the lives of those in need. thank you, friend, for loving. :) val+wyna+qibing! macs and church study buddies. hahaha! let's hope our efforts pay off yeah? thans for studying with me, and especially val, for always encouraging me when i feel dejected or unmotivated. i truly appreciate that! and carol... last but not least. recently i haven't been treating you too good, and i realise that i have to do something about it, so thanks for telling me before i lost anymore friends. it's been a long road, you and i. and i'm glad that CYF and MS will keep us together 'cause there's really no one i'd rather be gossiping and walking down this road to adulthood and rebellion with. :) i love you, please don'tever forget that. :)

sebastian; da-ge: surprised to see your name here?! haha, i'm surprised i put it down. :P can't say we're that close, or that i'm the number one person in your life (someone would slaughter me. or rather, both our someones! haha!) but i can say that despite everything, it's funny, but i can sorta "feel" your care for me, and that's a feeling i hope won't go away. when i was 10, and my 'rents were first going through the big D, i kinda wished that i had a big sister or brother, someone to look after me when my parents stopped. well, they didn't, but i got my wish anyway! :) i'm glad to have you as my "brother" and y'know, i hope you're thankful to have me as a "mei" too! hahaha. ;)

joachim: y'know that time when you affirmed me? i don't think i told you, but it touched me in a way that very few people could've. and only after a few days of getting to know you! ahaha. i hope you don't mind, but i'm really going to hold onto you as a friend. :) you're special, and you better realise it soon. thanks for listening that time, and straightening out my thoughts. it helped, really. and come to think of it, i guess you could say you're my favourite leo too. ;) rock on!

shawn; hubby: feeling shy to see your name here? haha. :) i don't know if i've told you, but getting to know you, being with you, has really affected me. you've changed my mindset, my personality (a bit!) and in doing so, i guess you could say that you've changed my life. YOU gave me confidence; YOU gave me encouragement and hope when i needed it most; YOU gave me a shoulder to cry on, and a ear that listens. i guess i can only hope that i've given you a quarter of all the things that you've given me. y'know that song... "let the sun stop burning, let the world stop turning. let them tell me life's not worth living for. let the world fall apart, i will know deep in my heart, the only thing that mattered had come true... in this life, i was loved... by you." :) i love you.

<2:17am, 1st January 2005>

she smiled
at 10:33 AM


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